jokes
Jokes
Two cannibals were eating a clown. One cannibal looked at the other cannibal and said, "Do you taste something funny?"
A duck walked into a pharmacy to buy some chapstick (lip balm).
The clerk asked, "Will that be cash or credit?"
The duck replied, "You can just put it on my bill."
Two muffins were baking in an oven. One muffin looked at the other and said, "Hey man, is it getting hot in here?" The other muffin said, "Ahhhhh! You can talk!"
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 ate 9 (7 8 9).
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other hunter whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, and then a shot is heard. The hunter's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"
A woman carrying a baby gets on a bus. As she pays the fare, the bus driver looks at the baby and says, "Ugh! Lady, that's absolutely the ugliest baby I've ever seen." The woman is fuming. Still carrying the baby, she walks back toward the rear of the bus, finds an empty seat and sits down. She says to a man sitting next to her, "The bus driver was terribly rude to me when I got on. I've never been so insulted in all my life! I've got half a mind to tell him off." The man says, "And that's what you should do. Don't let him get away with insulting you. Walk right up there and let him know how you feel. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Patient: "Doctor, I think I'm suffering from memory loss."
Doctor: "Have you ever had it before?"
Doctor: "What's wrong with your brother?"
Boy: "He thinks he's a chicken."
Doctor: "Really? How long has he thought this?"
Boy: "Three years."
Doctor: "Three years!"
Boy: "We would have brought him in sooner, but we needed the eggs."
Patient: "Something's wrong! I'm shrinking!"
Doctor: "Take it easy, sir. You'll just have to be a little patient."
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
What did the numeral 0 say to the numeral 8?
Nice belt!
Which word does everyone always pronounce wrong?
"Wrong." :P
Why was the baby ant so confused?
Because all his uncles were aunts.
A guy yells across the river, "Hey, how do you get to the other side of this river?"
Another guy on the other side yells back, "You are on the other side!"
Can an elephant jump higher than a lamppost?
Yes. Lampposts can't jump.
Where do you find a no-legged dog?
Right where you left him.
A duck walks into a drugstore and says, "Gimme some Chapstick and put it on my bill."
knock on wood or touch wood
“Knock on wood” is an expression that is often used by English speakers, but it is a very unique phrase. This phrase basically means ‘I hope so’ or ‘if all goes well’. Knock on wood is a spoken phrase (it is generally not written) and it is an expression used to express a desire to avoid ‘tempting fate’ or to keep something bad from happening. This phrase is said most often after a person makes a boast* or expresses a hope or desire. When a person says this phrase they usually knock on something that is made of wood, or any hard surface that is near by.
Here are some examples of how this phrase might be used:
“I think I am finally feeling better – knock on wood.”
“I won’t be late for work again tomorrow – knock on wood.”
“Are your parents paying for you guys to go to France again this summer?” “Knock on wood!”
The origin of this phrase comes from old English folklore. Apparently a long time ago people in England went into the isolated woods to talk privately and tell secrets and they “knocked” on the trees (and trees are made of wood) when they were talking to hide their communication from evil spirits who might make trouble. The people knocked on wood to keep the spirits from hearing them and keep the good things they wanted to happen from being disrupted. Another version of this folklore states an almost opposite understanding of the action of knocking on wood. This other version holds that the act of knocking on trees was to wake up the spirits to make them listen so they could work in favor of a specific request or secret.
دانلود فیلم های آموزش زبان انگلیسی از سایتهای ایرانی
http://www.tebyan.net/newindex.aspx?pid=150313&CategoryID=13922
نرم افزار Thomson Reuters EndNote Build 5774 برای مفاله نویسی
لینک دانلود:
امکانات نرم افزار Thomson Reuters EndNote X5.0.1 Build 5774
1. امکان وارد کردن فایلهای PDF به برنامه و جستجو در آنها
2. امکان تبادل تا 10.000 رفرنس بین سیستم خود و اینترنت و به اشتراک گذاری منابع
3. امکان استاندارد سازی منابع و مآخذ تحقیقات شما
4. دارا بودن فرمتهای مختلف منبع نویسی و رفرنس دهی مطابق با استانداردهای مهم دنیا
5. امکان برقراری ارتباط بین منابع متن و منابع انتهایی پژوهش به منظور اعمال تغییرات هماهنگ در آنها
6. یکپارچه شدن با نرم افزار Microsoft Office Word
7. گروه سازی و ترکیب و مقایسه منابع و مطالب
animal farm
http://s3.picofile.com/file/7418063331/Animal_Farm_George_Orwell_for_Nokia_Series_40_6230.jar.html
dictionary
این دیکشنری یکی از قوی ترن دیکشنری ها موجود می باشد که توانای ترجمه انگلیسی به فارسی و فارسی به انکلیسی را دارا می باشد.
.jpg)
