Two cannibals were eating a clown. One cannibal looked at the other cannibal and said, "Do you taste something funny?"
A duck walked into a pharmacy to buy some chapstick (lip balm).
The clerk asked, "Will that be cash or credit?"
The duck replied, "You can just put it on my bill."
Two muffins were baking in an oven. One muffin looked at the other and said, "Hey man, is it getting hot in here?" The other muffin said, "Ahhhhh! You can talk!"
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 ate 9 (7 8 9).
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other hunter whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, and then a shot is heard. The hunter's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"
A woman carrying a baby gets on a bus. As she pays the fare, the bus driver looks at the baby and says, "Ugh! Lady, that's absolutely the ugliest baby I've ever seen." The woman is fuming. Still carrying the baby, she walks back toward the rear of the bus, finds an empty seat and sits down. She says to a man sitting next to her, "The bus driver was terribly rude to me when I got on. I've never been so insulted in all my life! I've got half a mind to tell him off." The man says, "And that's what you should do. Don't let him get away with insulting you. Walk right up there and let him know how you feel. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Patient: "Doctor, I think I'm suffering from memory loss."
Doctor: "Have you ever had it before?"
Doctor: "What's wrong with your brother?"
Boy: "He thinks he's a chicken."
Doctor: "Really? How long has he thought this?"
Boy: "Three years."
Doctor: "Three years!"
Boy: "We would have brought him in sooner, but we needed the eggs."
Patient: "Something's wrong! I'm shrinking!"
Doctor: "Take it easy, sir. You'll just have to be a little patient."
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
What did the numeral 0 say to the numeral 8?
Which word does everyone always pronounce wrong?
Why was the baby ant so confused?
Because all his uncles were aunts.
A guy yells across the river, "Hey, how do you get to the other side of this river?"
Another guy on the other side yells back, "You are on the other side!"
Can an elephant jump higher than a lamppost?
Yes. Lampposts can't jump.
Where do you find a no-legged dog?
Right where you left him.
A duck walks into a drugstore and says, "Gimme some Chapstick and put it on my bill."